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Grief Is A Messy Thing

Grief Is A Messy Thing!

Written by Marny Williams

Nothing could have prepared me for the overwhelming experience my grief would be. I thought grief was something I could control and have power over…little did I know that I would subservient to it.

Grief has a life force of its own, it breathes, it provokes, it teaches, it aggravates, it wants attention. When we ignore it, or even think we have it figured out, grief reminds us that we do not. To say grief is a journey...some days it is a complete understatement. The word journey makes it somehow feel pleasant or easy or perhaps enjoyable. The reality is that the twists and turns and unknowns and surprises the journey takes us on, keeps us on our toes and some days knocks us off our feet.

The reality is that that grief affects every aspect of our lives. It affects our emotions and behaviours; we can have physical manifestations of grief; it impacts us socially and makes us review our spiritual beliefs. I remember just wanting a break from grief, but everywhere I turned grief had invaded my personal space…I could not get away from it. This constant presence of grief is what makes us exhausted and overwhelmed. Rest assured, it is not always like this. But in your early time in grief, you must give it the attention it wants. You must do your grief work.
Grief is life long journey. The goal is not to get over, forget or move on after the death of your loved one. The goal is try and figure out how to live without them, while working on reimaging a new life with new hopes and dreams and plans for the future. This is not an easy task. One that is not completed within 3 months, 6 months, 1 year or two. Your timeline is your timeline and do not let anyone put pressure on you to navigate this journey faster than you are capable. 

The chart below outlines some of the ways grief shows itself in the 5 realms I mentioned (emotional, behavioural, physical, social, spiritual). I believe education is power and knowing how grief works, can help us have patience and forgiveness towards ourselves. Do not let the chart scare you! You may experience some, none or all of the symptoms listed and that can change by the minute. But if you find yourself sitting on the couch with zero energy and motivation to get up and accomplish any small task…take a look at the chart and check off the points that correspond with how you are feeling in the moment. I find that if we can see things in black and white (or in print) we can appreciate and understand why we are feeling the way we are.

Common Responses Associated with Grieving

Listed are some of the common reactions that may or may not be experienced. The intensity and duration varies from person to person, as no two people will grieve the same.

Feelings
• Sadness
• Anger
• Guilt
• Anxiety
• Loneliness
• Fear
• Fatigue
• Relief
• Shock
• Yearning
• Numbness
• Apathy
• Indifference
• Resentment
• Helplessness
• Irritability
• Mood swings

Spiritual Effects
• Despair
• Anger at God/institutions
• Shattered faith
• Spiritual confusion
• Search for meaning/purpose
• Meaningful practices, prayer,
   meditation
• Helpful spiritual reading
• Divine guidance through
   crisis/mystery
• Strength/comfort from God

Thoughts
• Disbelief/denial
• Confusion 
• Preoccupation about your spouse
• Hallucinations
• Doubt own sanity
• Unable to concentrate
• Lowered self-esteem
• Slowed thinking
• Absent minded, forgetful
• Reliving the death, funeral etc.
• Awareness of own mortality
• Idealize deceased
• Unrealistic expectations of self or
   others
• Time Confusion
• Failure to accept reality

Physical Symptoms
• Tightness in chest
• Palpitations
• Weakness or muscles
• Dry mouth
• Lack of energy
• Constipation or diarrhoea
• Breathlessness
• Nausea
• Headaches
• Irregular heart beat
• Weight loss or gain
• Exhaustion
• Loss of appetite
• Restlessness 
• Blurred vision
Behaviours
• Inability to sleep
• Waking early 
• Over or under eating
• Withdrawal from others
• Dreaming about the deceased
• Nightmares
• Over active
• Avoiding reminders of spouse
• Treasuring objects of spouse
• Sighing 
• Unable to make decisions
• Crying
• Isolation
• Reassessment of friends/activities
Be gentle with yourself during this time, understanding that grieving is a very fluid process that is experienced in different ways and at different times for all individuals.

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