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Surviving The Holidays

Surviving The Holidays 
& Special Days

Written by Marny Williams

There are two types of holidays or special days. The public ones…the ones that everyone knows about; Christmas, New Year’s, Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc. And then there are the private ones…the ones that are special to you and your loved one and maybe only a few other people are aware of. Either of these events can be a struggle to find ways to cope through. 
There are a few things to remember as these days approach.

1. It is often the anticipation of the day that is worse than the day itself. Remember that your grief wants your attention and energy. Believe it or not, all the worry, thoughts and emotions you experience before the actual day is really good grief work. This work is why many feel that when the day comes it is not as bad as they anticipated. 

2. If this is a day that has a lot of ceremony, traditions and rituals around, take time before to decide what you can do and where you want to put your energy. Communicate your needs with family and friends so they know what to expect. This may be the year where you limit what you can do and not do. 

3. Remember that whatever you do this year to honour the day and your loved one, it has no impact on what you decide to do next year. Do what you are capable of doing this year and re-evaluate next year.

4. Feel your emotions. Honour them and let them wash over you. 

5. The day or two after the event you can experience what is sometimes known as a Grief Hangover. Remember all the grief work you did before the actual day has left your reserves low. You may feel more emotional and lethargic. Take time to slow down and regroup.

Coping With the Holidays 
by Marilyn Rushton

Contrary to popular belief and advertisers, not everyone looks forward to the holiday season. If you have lost someone special, this holiday season may not be an easy one for you. You may find yourself wishing you could snap your fingers and it would magically be January 2, next year. Even though no one can take away all of your pain and struggle, there are things you can do to help make this time of year less stressful.

1. Plan ahead. The more time you allow for holiday preparations, the less stress they will be. Ask yourself the questions: “What do I want to do?” and “How much can I do?” In planning ahead, talk with family and friends and let them know your limits and expectations.

2. Develop one or more coping techniques. There will be rough times and days during this holiday season. Decide what your stress reducer(s) will be – hot baths, long walks, deep breathing, a game of squash, talking with a friend, writing in a journal, etc. Make time for rest and relaxation.

3. Honour Your Emotional Life. Make every effort to deal honestly with feelings. During the grief process, it is common to experience some of the most intense emotions of our entire lifetime. Identify the feelings and find healthy ways to express them. Share your feelings about the upcoming holidays with someone you feel safe. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can also be a helpful way to explore your emotions and clarify your plans.

4. Allow yourself some flexibility. During the grief journey it is often difficult to predict from one moment to the next what your thoughts and feelings might be. Allow for flexibility, for a change of plans at the last moment and do not be afraid to ask others for understanding.

5. Observe this time in a way that has meaning for you. What do you like and what do you dislike about the way you celebrate the holidays? Is it important to carry on traditions or is this the time to make some changes? What will give meaning to this difficult time for you?

6. Find a way to honour your loved one during this time. Often people will not mention your loved one during the holidays because they believe this will help you get through a difficult time, or they are not sure how you will respond. Some people find it helpful to light a candle in memory of the person who is missing. Others find it meaningful to place flowers in a house of worship and/or at the graveside. Several people have shared with me how they still put up a stocking for their loved one, placing flowers there or inviting family and friends to write a note to place in the stocking. Another way to honour your loved one is to do something for someone in need or make a donation to a meaningful charity in his or her memory.

7. Be patient and gentle with yourself and others. The grief journey is not an easy one. Try not to be too hard on yourself or others. Take time for yourself and spend time with those who support you at this time. The time will come when you will be able to say “Thank goodness it is over”. 
For this season, I wish you hope, encouragement, strength and peace. Remember we are here to help support you through this time.


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